Ten years ago, I was passing through Bumblefuck, Oregon, on some camping trip or another when I made a stop at the town gas station. As I was filling up, a wide-eyed eight-year-old who had probably only seen a Chinese person on TV asked me this question.
Him: "Do yew know kung-foo?"
Me: *blink* "Yes. Yes I do."
It was the gods' honest truth, but I swear I felt guilty saying it. I don't know what the little kid was thinking. I'm convinced that he half expected me to do a back flip onto the station's tin roof and fight off a bunch of ninja wildlife activists out to destroy kittens, flowers, and mom's apple pie. Out of all of the Asians in our group, he'd managed to pick the only one who knew kung-fu. I felt like a walking stereotype. Cheap. Dirty...
Which is how I felt after trying out the Elephant Bar in Irvine.
(Garishly seductive.)
I tried not to, but I liked the Elephant Bar. I mean, I really *really* liked the Elephant Bar. Like, I was in like with the Elephant Bar. I <3-ed the Elephant Bar.
I'm such a corporate slut.
Deep wood tones, the little black dress of restaurant decor.
It's hard to escape the omnipresent reach of chain restaurants in Orange County, particularly in a city like Irvine. However, I wasn't expecting to be taken in by the Elephant Bar quite so easily. Before I knew it, I'd been whisked out the door and into a cab while she nibbled on my ears and whispered naughty naughty things to me.
(Can't help but look.)
I don't know what it was that first drew me to her. Wait, I lie. I do know. That low-cut kitchen wall, hinting at the lush pleasures she offered. I was weak. I looked. Oh gods, I wanted to see more.
(More is more.)
Truth be told, I knew she wasn't a lady. A little too wild, a little too forward, and just a tad more makeup than she really needed. But, sometimes you don't want straight-laced. Sometimes what you need is someone wild and wanton to spice up your life.
(Quite the sense of humor.)
She was a real sharp cookie. Had a real mind, that one did. I knew she was working me over and I didn't care. She made me laugh. Made me laugh harder than I'd laughed in a long long time. A real pro.
(Huge tracks of land.)
With assets like that, who gave a hoot? I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. I was eyeing her the way a starving man looks at a packet of dry roasted peanuts. I couldn't wait to tear open the wrapper and taste the salty goodness.
(Artichoke Dip - Cat's favorite appetizer.)
We started off slow. A hot bowl of creamy, cheesy goodness laced with artichoke hearts and spinach. A little tomato, some fresh-made tortilla chips... I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn't. But, it felt too good to stop.
(Coconut Shrimp Skewers - Food on a stick is good.)
It didn't stay slow for long. Soon we were spicing it up with crunchy skewers of coconut-crusted jumbo shrimp in a zesty ginger dressing. She kept it from being too much at once with a salad of cooling greens.
(Santa Barbara Burger - Cat likes avocado in her burgers.)
A little something vanilla; classic, but with a sexy twist. Avocado instead of cheese... Yes, please! It was a little dry at first, but once everything blended together, it was a real winner. The fries were a little flabby, but no one is perfect.
(Adventure Side Salad - Jamaica Mojo, I choose you!)
A sweet interlude. Slow-moving with thick flavors and no surprises. Just nuts, fried fruit, and a mysterious black sauce that flowed over my tongue like a warm jungle night. Good, but I wanted more of that spicy ginger lovin' she gave me with the shrimp.
(Misoyaki Fire-Grilled Salmon - Fusion done right.)
What a finale. I'm still tingling. Miso-marinated salmon, grilled over an open flame and resting on a bed of rice and stir-fried veggies. Goodness, we made a mess. Delicious sauce everywhere.
Elephant Bar Restaurant - I know I shouldn't like it. I know she's nothing but trouble. I know how sleazy this all looks. But, I'll be back. I can't help it. It was just sooooo gooooood...
(I like to add that Cat is quite classy and always a lady. She's the love of my life, and I'm a lucky man to be marrying her. The tawdry descriptions above do not allude to her in any way.)
Bill (for two):
E-Bar “Famous” Artichoke Dip - 7.25
Niu Niu Coconut Fried Shrimp Skewers - 7.95
Santa Barbara Burger - 7.50
Jamaica Mojo Side Salad - 3.95
Misoyaki Fire-Grilled Salmon - 13.95
Tax - 3.15
Tip - 6.50
Total - 50.25
Flavor: A
Ambience: A+
Service: A+
ROI: B+
Overall: A
Elephant Bar
Irvine, CA
14346 Culver Drive
1-949-651-6087
http://www.elephantbar.com
Other Locations:
Throughout California and some of the western states.
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11 comments:
Hey CP,
Amusing post. It has the feel of a Phillip Marlow novel.
Cheers
Really? An A? There's one near my house but I've never been tempted. I do get coupons in the mail regularly for free molten lava cake. You're welcome to have them.
And I know that incident must have taken place in Southern Oregon 'cause we Portlanders are cultured ya know? :)
Am trying hard not to judge.
Elephant Bar huh? I will have to trust your judgement and give it a shot one of these days. I am very very skeptical about chain restaurants too. We went to French 75 this past weekend (and I forgot my camera again!) and didn't like it and paid $80. I was thinking with the money, I could have a live steamed fresh fish, crab and lobsters at China Garden!!!
hey chubby, I see the preety waitress did not suggest their famous half-shell oysters ? *grins*
hey chubby, I see the preety waitress did not suggest their famous half-shell oysters ? *grins*
There's one near my place too, maybe I can give it a shot. *off to search for coupons* ;D
Hey Chubbypanda!
There's one right by me in Claremont. Given the lack of good eats in the area...you've convinced me to venture there when I get back for spring semester :)
Ahoy Cap'n!
Exactly the feel I was going for. Thanks!
WC,
For a member of a chain, the one in Irvine gets an A. Nothing is super-inspired, but my dishes have always come out well-prepared. The food has a surprisingly high level of quality. It's an A-grade, mid-range restaurant.
The Bill,
Hey buddy. Burned burgers are eeew. I try to never make the mistake of assuming that chain restaurants offer a consistent level of quality in their food regardless of location. Location is very important. The personalities of the cooks and the care of the wait staff varies with each location, and play a big role in the final product. Here, I'm only recommending the Irvine location, although people should certainly try the other ones if they're so inclined.
2nd-favorite,
I feel so dirty.
Rasa Malaysia,
I love China Garden. I'm equally skeptical about chain restaurants, which is why I was so surprised to find I really like the Elephant Bar in Irvine. The prices were pretty good, too. But, whenever I find a chain restaurant that I like, I always assume it's a fluke and just recommend that specific location. I'm not recommending the Elephant Bar chain as a whole.
Melting Wok,
Ooooh... Naughty...
Tigerfish,
Let me know how it goes. According to the Bill, the one in Pomona sucks for burgers. I'd be curious to find out how the quality varies up in the Lesser Grey North.
Kathy,
See my comments to the Bill and Rasa Malaysia first. If you do decide to try the one in Claremont, lemme know if it's any good. I'm curious to see whether the one in Irvine is the exception or the rule.
- Chubbypanda
This entry made me laugh. ^__^ I can't remember the last time I ate at an Elephant Bar. It was most likely with my parents.
I agree with your comment about food on sticks. Good stuff.
The Bill,
Ah! I did not know that. =)
Yuzu,
I've since tried a chocolate-dipped banana on a stick and I'm even more firmly behind the concept of food on a stick than I was before. =D
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